loss of faith

I am still single. I do not believe that this will change. I really wanted to have children of my own, but I don't think this will happen either. I am having a difficult time processing this and trying to understand why prayers aren't working. I switched from praying for myself to praying for others and this isn't working either. I want to belive that there was someone for me- but that something happened to him- or that G-d just thought that we already found each other.

I found it comforting to pray in the Orthodox community in Dallas because I was able to sit with women and not among the families sitting together- the one thing that I want and don't have- So I sought out the solitude of the women's section. My shul in Columbus has the men sit in the middle and the women sit on the edges all facing the same direction. The shul has been very welcoming to me-

I have a place for shabbos dinner every week. But, something happened this Simchas Torah during the hakafot, when I looked around at the families- the smiling children (that I will never have) holding tiny torahs, moms and daughters dancing- fathers and sons all caught up in the whirlwind of freilechah. and I was alone. The women invited me to dance with them and I could not stop the tears running down my face. This is a happy holiday and I couldn't stop from crying. Another year has gone by and still I am alone. The women were trying to cheer me up by pointing out the other people in the room and their troubles- "that woman just lost her husband off 50 years....that woman's daughter was just diagnosed with breast cancer...that man just lost his job....etc..." this was not helping at all. No one actually asked me what was wrong and why I was crying- they just didn't want me to cry. I told them that I was leaving to go to a different shul- but actually just walked home- sobbing.

I think that G-d does not hear my prayers- or see my tears- or understand my pain- or care about my pain- to the point that I have come to question whether there is a G-d. In my studies at the Kollel, I have been in a commandments class, we study every Thurs night and are learning the mitzvot one at a time...we got to the commandment where we are not supposed to question if there is a Gd or not. and I am conflicted. I still believe in G-d, because without this faith, I fear that I would crumble into a million pieces, but I truly think that I have lost my faith...not just in G-d, but in prayer, and I don't know how to reconcile this loss of faith.

I went to a lecture given by Rebetzin Epstein (probably fifteen years ago) where she had us write down the way we wanted to have a Jewish household after we were married, and then told us to take that list and create it now- why wait?
I keep a kosher home.
I keep Shabbos - as best I can-
I study torah- at Kollel and with my private group.
I do good deeds- volunteer at the food bank (this afternoon), soup kitchen, visit the sick at the Jewish home here in Columbus...
I created all the ways I want to have a Jewish household after I am married and yet I am still alone. I feel that by creating this Jewish household without a husband, HaShem sees no reason to provide me with a husband. because I already have the house that I want...this is the logic side of me trying to decipher the game that is being played on me. I just don't know what else to do- I feel that my actions are not enough.

Menachim and Ephraim went into the water and then the water parted- they had to take the first step- well, I took that step, and another step, and another step....etc... and still the water is not parting.

I used to have faith- and now I don't- and yet I still have faith- this is my conflict. I can't abandon- yet I can't embrace and I don't know how to explain this war that is waging in my heart.
this need to have faith- this fear of losing faith-

Neelah was troubling this year, standing for the two hours, I tried to make more sense of it this year, tried to have that perfect faith for those last two hours of the holy days. I do not fast because I am diabetic, and had surgery on my foot a few years ago and was unable to stand for the entire time, but this year I had no excuse- except for this war raging-
why was I praying? what good will it do? am I here just to make myself happy? am I here so the people in shul will see me? the words in the prayer book Neelah service are not very entertaining- or uplifting- or spiritual at all...
These two agonizing hours I stood, wanted to sit, wanted to go home and watch tv- wanted to stay- wanted to pray with meaning- maybe this was the "first step" action that would bring something into my life- maybe if I could stand the entire time- I would create that faith-


hard to believe that yesterday I talked about sandwiches losing their sandwich status.

well, thank you for stopping by